beautiful existence of you

new blog

2010-01-27T23:09:00.000-08:00

i've changed to tumblr and here is my new blog

http://finallycanbfree.tumblr.com/

post-fall break / more than halfway there

2009-10-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

i'm back in asheville now. fall break was last weekend. and i had a great time seeing my family and friends. i got to spend more time with my family this break than i usually do, which i'm really happy about. i played video games with my brother and spent all day monday with my mom going to lunch and to see the proposal (which i thought was super cute), and got to chill with my dad.

had already done the work that was due right after break, so this week has been less stressful than it would've otherwise been. i also paid my balance for school today, so i no longer have that hanging over my head.

tomorrow is the day of looking for work, and i hope it goes well. i'm just gonna go to the temp agencies around and hopefully find something good that way. besides that, there are lots of stores and restaurants around that i will apply with too. so something should work out. it doesn't have to be great in any way, just something to give me some much needed dollars, and to make me not solely dependent on my parents.

but for the rest of the night i think i'm not gonna do a damn thing, because that's how i do.

hope you're doing well also!

important question

2009-10-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

"lit review, why can you just not be finished already?"

because just thinking about you makes me super tired.

monday

2009-10-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

so i didn't sleep that well last night, and as a result, sadly slept right through my alarm for 9:30am this morning. i continued to sleep mostly straight through until 2:30pm, because every time i woke up and thought about getting up i felt completely defeated. i'm not really sure what was making me feel this way. i do have a lot of work this week but not so much that i feel like i can't through it.

anyway, so i spent the majority of my awake part of today feeling depressed for no apparent reason. i took a long shower to wake up, and still felt pretty much worthless for the day for a bit.

then i got a call from kenny and got to catch up with him and hear about some exciting things he's doing, which cheered me up. during the call marshall came back from school and being with her immediately made me feel better. we decided to be very domestic ladies and made dinner and watched you've got mail together and chatted. now she's listening to bette midler's thighs and whispers on record, while i attempt to get started on some work.

but clearly you see how well that's working out.

i think i'll start with some reading i need to get done, instead of the writing part. i really just want to listen to music and lounge around the apartment and daydream, but that would not be productive.

lol oh now marshall has changed it to luther vandross! it's fun here.

thanks for tuning in. i'll keep you all updated on how things develop.

at long last

2009-10-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

we are officially exiting the blogging hiatus. there are new things happening that will need to be documented. so here we are. a lot has changed since the last post.

i am back in asheville for my last semester of college. i have my senior seminar class and then i'm done! the class is going really well, so i'm feeling good. i have not been able to lock down a job as of yet, so i'm making it only with my parents' help, which i feel somewhat guilty about but also extremely grateful.

marshall and i have an apartment together and we are in love with it. i took some pictures so you can feel like you're here with us. welcome friends! also marshall did a virtual tour on her youtube site here!

i guess that's all for now, because i have to get some work done for this crazy week i have coming up. but thanks for returning to my blog. i will try to keep this thing going more frequently now :)

::currently listening to: marshall playing songs on her guitar - i love it here!::

yet another reason to love her

2009-05-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

esthero showing her support for the gays!

panic moment

2009-05-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

this summer is not starting off much better than the last. i have been applying for jobs and at temp agencies, but so far i have nothing. in addition to this i have large credit card bills and over the limit fees to contend with, and my seatbelt ticket. but i have $10 to my name. i'm supposed to be getting a check from my internship, but i'm not sure when that'll get here. oh yeah, i also need money to buy new glasses, because i lost mine. they were very expensive, and i'm still freaked out that they're gone, but there's nothing to be done. i know these are small in comparison to some people's problems but i'm very bad at dealing with these situations, and am in a bit of a panic. if one thing would fall into place, surely the others would follow suit, right? it's hard to tell at this point.

danger

2009-05-24T10:04:00.001-07:00

i should never be allowed to mix my own drinks ever again.

seriously?

2009-05-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

i swear you could set a fucking stopwatch to time how long it takes after one thing goes right in my life before something blows the fuck up in my face!

i had a great interview this morning, and was feeling a bit better about things this summer, which have been worrying me non-stop, but then i get pulled over by a motorcycle cop because i wasn't wearing my seat belt. so now i - who have no money to my name at all - must pay $100.

no it's not the end of the world, but on top of all the other bullshit that i have had to deal with in the recent weeks of my life, i would expect a break maybe at some point. is that unreasonable?

eva thinks it's because i killed a lot of people or swindled old ladies in a past life. if i did, i am truly sorry, but i would never do that now, if that counts for anything. if it does, please make a note in my file, because this shit has to stop.

just because you should

2009-05-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

so i've woken up at some completely unacceptable time. but that will be remedied momentarily. but first i will have a drink of water. because apparently it's just the healthiest thing, and i should be drinking it practically every moment, instead of the millions of diet coke with limes that i usually drink. after that i'm thinking of sleeping until the middle of the day, at which point i'll get up and we'll see...

good morning monday, i'm glad i've lived to see you, but i'm going back to sleep.

"i like to maintain a healthy lifestyle!" - patsy, from abfab

bad news

2009-04-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

i am not going to be graduating this semester. it is an incredibly long, drawn out story, so if you want to hear it, i'll be happy to call you and tell you, rather than writing it all out.

i'm trying to keep things in perspective and think positively where possible, but it comes and goes. the main thing i'm having a hard time with is having let my parents down. they were more excited about my graduation than i was, and now i've let them down. i've talked to them a little about the situation, but need to go through it again tonight, and i'm dreading it.

the other problem - as always - is money. i can find a way to support myself during the next semester, but can't cover my car insurance and my health insurance and rent, so i would still need their help. i'm jumping to conclusions a little by assuming that it's going to be a problem between us, but it seems fairly likely.

and of course i don;t have anything figured out that well at this point, because i'm still somewhat thrown. i'm such a pessimist usually, that it really hasn't surprised me that i didn't make it, though. that's a bad feeling to feel about yourself. i'm working on it, though.

"as we go marching into love, we are bound to be scarred, but you gotta march on anyway" .:esthero:.

"...you are held in a queue..."

2009-04-27T03:08:00.000-07:00

if this is a question
is "maybe" a lie?
if "yes" doesn't mean it
does "when" lessen "why"
you are held in a queue
someone will be with you shortly
say I'm wrong
you decide
i don't believe the words you sing sometimes

but then it's your life
it's your life
it's your life
it's your life

but, you've only got one...

if i just to spite you
placate your disgrace
will song turn to silence?
will mask wear your face?
are you down to be open?
show me yours and i'll show you mine
or are you down just to be down?
i don't believe the words you sing sometimes

but then it's your life
it's your life
it's your life
it's your life

but, you only got one

you've only got...one...
.:frou frou//only got one:.

things whose ass i'ma kick this week

2009-04-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

(1) the first one without a doubt has to be my capsim annual reports for my senior seminar class! this thing is CRAZY. it's a professional report that has to be at least 50 pages, but seriously can not be done in 50. we have to include the industry analysis, mission statement, executive summary, future plans of the company, as well as the specific marketing, r&d, production, and finance decisions of our company over the 8 years of the competition. oh and what our competitors were doing as well.
due thurs.

(2) my research presentation for the same class, and on the same day - thurs. my research is on the increase in social responsibility as a public relations tool in a cross-cultural context. it's a lot to go through, but i just have to organize my thoughts for the presentation, and the paper is due on the 30th. i also need to practice so i don;t get up there and talk really fast.

(3) my final internship presentation is also on thurs. this won't be a big deal, but i haven't started making my slides yet. i just need to compile all the things i've worked on at my internship into separate projects and talk about the process in the different ones.

(4) volunteer this weekend for the class that i have all this work in. not sure where or when, but i'm gonna do something and it'll be good to help out and have a change of scenery.

(5) finish beautifying the stockroom/supply area at my internship so i can take some pictures and move on to something else!

(6) group meetings for marketing strategy for our marketing plan.

(7) group meeting for managing health care class about how we would change the health care system.

it's gonna be insane. but it's the last crazy week of my college life. thankfully.

seriously, when is it over?

2009-04-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

so it's been awhile since i posted last, but things have been really outta control crazy with school and my internship.

the semester is almost over, and i'm excited but incredibly beat down, and nervous about finding a job. it's hard to be really happy about graduating when you feel like finding a job will be so hard. i wish i was someone with more ambition, and i just couldn't live with myself until i got what i wanted, but that's just not me. also between my student debt and my credit cards and my insurance, i don't see what amazing job i'm gonna find that will allow me to pay for everything and get by. it seems highly unlikely. and my parents are amazing, and have helped with everything all the way, but i don't want to have to do that forever, and i'm just really nervous.

today was just a really low day. i have so much to get done, and all i want to do is sleep. i got a few things done, but haven't made remarkable progress on the scarier things that are coming up this week.

and i can't even focus on getting through this week and then being free, because i have no money and that is really making life difficult. i have put myself in crazy credit card debt and now i have maxed out and have no options. my fault, clearly, but still no fun.

tonight i have been missing someone pretty hard for the first time in awhile, and that does not help matters. i'm sure he's a lot better off and happier, and i am really happy for him truly, but it's sad that i'm still not feeling much better from all that. in the future i should really refuse certain invitations so that things do not come up without my control.

all my blog entries are so depressing, and i apologize for that, but i guess that's when i'm the most reflective. i will do my best to mix it up better. now i have to continue working on some shit for this week. i fucking hate school.

a break

2009-02-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

it's been awhile since i posted something, and so i thought i would correct this. things have gotten a bit more manageable since the last post. i was able to add the health care industry class i needed to graduate. school is going reasonably well. the classes i've had exams in i've made a's, as well as the ones i've had presentations, so that's good.

i talked with my art history teacher and decided it would be better to just audit the course, because i really am not going to have time to devote to memorizing things for that class or for the research paper we had to do. she was incredibly nice and understanding, and i am going to continue going to class as much as i can. i finished my group presentation with my partner for that class too, and we got many compliments on our presentation. plus it will be nice to still have the contrast from all these business classes.

speaking of, i have a bit of a problem with my senior seminar class. we have a research component of the class, which - first of all - seems completely unnecessary. we have already had a class that was only about that where we did a semester long research project. my teacher has tried to justify this by saying that this research is necessary because that other class focused on empirical research and this one is theoretical. ...fail! they are not that different. also this would not be so bad if we had more time. our 1st draft was due in a month! and it is to be graded; not just a "ok you're off to a good start," kind of rough draft. needless to say, mine is not done. i'm having a very hard time doing it. i can't find enough research sources for the topic i wanna do. and our teacher wants us to contribute something new to the field. i'm just feeling hateful about the whole thing.

besides that things are good. and that is not that big of a deal. i just tend to be dramatic about these things. truthfully i'll end up changing my topic to something readily available that i'm not that interested in just to finish, because who cares what i really think anyway, right? whatever.

my internship is so nice to have as an escape from school. the people are great and i get to do a lot of different things. no, i have not really started on my project for that class, but that's ok, i think, because it shouldn't take too long to complete.

other than those things, i have been too tired for words lately. almost to the point where i want to go to the health services to make sure i don't have a mild case of mono or something! i can't get enough sleep, and i'm having intense dreams, which i don't usually have. i've joked about it before, but i'm entirely sure i could sleep for weeks, and be fine. i'd wake up to eat a little something or to pee, but i'd be sleeping other that that. i'm not sure that would be so bad. i'd miss some deadlines, so that would suck. but it would be so great to rest from it all. anyway, the point being it's weird how tired i am all the time.

other than that, i just need more money and a man. these things would help a lot. but i'm not holding my breath.

i just slept for 10 hours

2009-02-13T02:30:00.000-08:00

but now i'm awake. more or less. the school crisis is hopefully over. i'm waiting for an email ok'ing me to take mgmt 365 - intro to health services delivery and policy, which is one of the 5 course choices i had. the professor is really nice, and is going to allow me to come in a month late. my adviser filled out a petition for me to be able to add it late, and i just had to get the professor and the department chair to sign it, then turn it in to the registrar's office. the lady there was really nice, and said that there is usually no problem in getting them through and that it's usually a fast process.

the only thing is it HAS to go through or i'm in the same situation as earlier. so i'm waiting for an email confirmation from their office.

the only problem with this fix is that it completely changes my availability for my internship, and most of the people there are away this week to the convention, so i can't talk with them about it. i'm going to just go in at 9 today and stay til i have to leave to attend this new class at 1:45-2:35, then go back an finish stuff. i probably won't have to do that all the time (and let's hope not!) but i worked it out that i didn't go in on wed because i was so stressed about this situation. they're all really nice and they'll definitely understand i have to do this, but it makes it more difficult to fit all m hours in, which is certainly the lesser or the two problems, but still is a problem.

other than that, it is almost the weekend, and that is very good. i have so much work to do! especially now that i have to catch up on a month's worth of work. but i'm happy about the weekend anyway. maybe my expectations are so lowered now, that anything that doesn't just outright suck seems like something to celebrate. that's a clearly negative view, but it seems plausible somewhat.

it's just after 5:30 and i'm going to have some breakfast, and make myself into someone that doesn't look like they crashed for 10 hours. here's hoping today brings me much better news than wed did. if this doesn't work out i will likely be a completely evil monster for an indefinite period of time.

i just can't win

2009-02-11T04:59:00.000-08:00

the only reason i'm typing this is because it's too early to be able to do anything about it or to call anyone.

i received my final graduation checklist today, and guess what? there is another course i have to take in order to graduate. i knew that these things happen a lot and so last semester i checked and re-checked with my adviser and the registrar to be sure that i would be able to graduate this semester. and no one told me otherwise. even if they hadn't told me last semester, i'm sure if they had told me at the beginning of this one, then i could have added this class and been fine. i'm so mad i want to break something or scream, but i know that won't help. i called the registrar and tried to find out what had happened and she was almost immediately coming at me with attitude. i felt like cussing her out or completely losing it, but all i said was that i was just calling because i was confused as to why this problem is conveniently coming up after i can do anything about it, and that i'm not trying to be a jerk but it's the worst timing possible, because it could all have been fixed. and i would cry if i could feel like it was a surprise or something.

my only course of action is to check with my adviser and see what options i have, but frankly i don't trust him. he didn't let me know about any of this any of the times i met with him. and i have a class with him this semester!

today was already shit, but now i just want to give up.

can't sleep

2009-02-05T03:13:00.000-08:00

despite my best efforts, i cannot get to sleep. i was able to take a nap for maybe 4 hours a bit earlier, but have been restless and wide awake ever since. it's one of those nights that when you lie down all you can do is think of all the things you need/would like to do.

i need to catch up on some reading and some research for my classes. i can't believe this is my last semester and i have no idea what i'm going to do once it's over. my classes this semester are actually going ok, i just feel really spaced most of the time, and can't get my thoughts together.

of course, lying in bed is also when i keep thinking over and over again that i need to start working out, losing weight, changing all kinds of things about myself. easy to decide to do when you're in bed and really can't do anything about them at that particular moment. it's sad, too, because i am seriously thinking about these things all day, and would be really doing myself a great service to do something about it, instead of simply being bombarded with the worry all the time. i hope i can. it's never been this much of an issue before, and it's really stressing me out.

things are going well at my internship. i definitely didn't go in any kind of on time yesterday because i was so worried about the possibility of driving through the snow/ice. and naturally there wasn't any problem, and the worry was all for nothing. better safe than sorry, i guess. i did stay later, though, so i was really there the same amount of time as i would've normally been. and i got all the things done i needed to.

maybe it's from not sleeping, but i keep having weird thoughts. and i have felt like i'm kind of a guest in my own life. like i'm vacationing as myself, and trying to keep myself occupied at all times. and i'm coming up short. i could, obviously, be filling a lot of the time with work that i need to do, but what kind of vacation is that? it's weird though, because when i don't have plans or something going on that i have to be/somewhere to be, i sorta panic and try to come up with things to keep myself busy. the snow has kept me from taking these moments to run out and do random things, so i've thought about it a lot more, i guess. like i said, i'm restless.

and cold. seriously, i'm not usually the person that has a hard time with this, and my room is usually hotter than can be tolerated, but now it's freezing in here! wtf?! the heat is half ass right now. and all the cold is coming right through the windows! i'm wrapped up like a refugee. but it's hard to be comfy like that.

i'm making some hot tea. in desperate attempts to be able to sleep, i was only drinking water (and wine... haha) but i need something warm, even if it does have caffeine. we are on a 2 hour delay today for classes and my first class is cancelled. this means i don't have class until noon, so theoretically i have plenty of time to get some work done. i intend to. how it will probably play out is that i will get something done and then be over it. this won't take me til noon, though. i'd love to sleep til then, but that seems really unlikely.

at least it's almost the weekend. and the snow outside is really nice to see, even if it is cold and windy. oh well.

true story

2009-02-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

i have a marketing presentation this morning about frozen dog food. it is my opinion that it is impossible to make this interesting. and so i am wearing cute shoes instead.

good morning world. thanks for not snowing enough to get me outta this. haha

this seems like a blog thing

2009-01-31T01:01:00.000-08:00

and it took me a long time, so i'm putting up again. that's that.

(01) It's entirely possible that I will never have a normal sleep schedule. I realize my status said I was doing work this afternoon, and while that was partly true, I was mostly just sleeping. that is from the time of around 5:30 to 11 or so. Crazy, I know. That explains why I'm awake at almost 4am.

(02) It's weird that, considering I sleep so much I very rarely remember anything about my dreams. I know I have them, because I sleep for long periods of time. I just usually don't remember the mat all. I do, however, remember a dream I had a couple of years ago, where I was a member of a Latino gang. There were do rags and bad accents and bullets zipping past my head. It was definitely worth remembering. La Ganaga, anyone?

(03) My first cd was The Bodyguard soundtrack. I remember singing the Whitney Houston songs in to hairbrushes, on the swingset, etc. This probably raised a lot of questions.

(04) I joined the Y my first week back in Asheville. I haven't been since. I'm really embarrassed by this admission. I fully intended on going everyday. I'm such a flake. What I really need is a workout partner that is basically my complete opposite. They have nothing to gain, admittedly, from this transaction, but it would help me a lot.

(05) I always notice what shoes people are wearing before anything else.

(06) I really love the wintertime and the snow. I wish it were snowing now. The only trouble is that I completely refuse to drive in the snow or ice. I am bad enough in normal conditions. It's best for everyone.

(07) Almost the only thing I can say with certainty that I want is the chance to travel. I would love to see all kinds of different places. The trouble is I have very little dollars to do this. It would be great to find a job that I had to travel for, but - considering the job market - I'll be lucky to get what I can get.

(08) I would ultimately like to live in a big city. But I have a really hard time with this, because I would like to be close to my friends and family. I feel like a little kid whenever I think of this because I just don't know how to compromise on this issue. I don't want to live in Durham all my life though. Would be much better to just come visit. We'll see. I guess.

(09) I have a terrible memory. I have a difficult time remembering how old I am. I am 26, btw. I don't feel 26. I have virtual nothing figured out at this point and tere are people my age and younger that seem well ahead of me in this capacity.

(10) Related to # 9, I forgot my best friend's age on his last birthday in December. I wrote the wrong age in his card and on his myspace and everything. He thought it was funny, but I was really embarrassed.

(11) I really want to learn as many different foreign languages as I can. I took Spanish and Portuguese but I'm incredibly forgetful, and have lost a lot of it. Jordanna told me I should look for a bootleg copy of the Rosetta stone things, because they are rull espenisive.

(12) Right now I could really go for some Earl Grey Tea.

(13) I am obsessed with music. I have to have it on almost all the time. Especially if I'm driving. If we are in the car, I am happy to listen to you, but you'll have to talk over the music because I won't turn it all the way down. It's no disrespect to you.

(14) I have "Black Barbie" by Little Jackie stuck in my head right now.

(15) All of my relationships have been less than 6 or 7 months long. I haven't had that many, but this seems really short. It's entirely possible that they just get tired of me, because out of all the things in my life that I choose to be completely neurotic and crazy over, relationships are at the top. I constantly obsess over things I say and do and try to figure out where I stand in relationships. Complete freak. I feel like I'm pretty good at relationships, though, because all this shit is behind the scenes. I am single, though, of course.

(16) I am most likely going out dancing Friday and Saturday night this week. It won;t be to the same place. This could be the first time I have done this since when I was at NC State. It's not that it should be commemorated or anything, but it's been a long time.

(17) I am out of Diet Coke (with Lime) and this always warrants a grocery store trip no matter what time it is.

(18) I tend to procrastinate. A lot of times this means I will watch tv or movies before I start something. Or I'll check Facebook or Myspace before starting work. It's bad. Also, even sadder is I'll delay starting things by making lists about just how onpoint I intend to be in completing them.

(19) My room is a mess. It wasn't earlier today, because I cleaned it earlier. this is also something I use to procrastinate, because I can live in somewhat disarray, but I can't work in it.

(20) I am the worst at money management. I can rationalize any purchase. I don;t know my credit score, but let's just say I'm very scared.

(21) I want a cat. I was parked beside this car that had the cutest dog in it. I don;t want a dog as much because they are so much like a child in how much attention they need. But a really sweet cat would be fun. One that was completely stank and aloof would be fun, too. Just not as much.

(22) I fear I may have Restless Leg Syndrome. I've thought this for awhile, but have been too embarrassed to really explore it. My feet and legs are always shaking if I'm sitting still. And I don;t have that much energy. It's far more likely to be a physical problem.

(23) I have been avoiding work off and on all night. Did you know all the seasons of Arrested Development are on Hulu?

(24) I hate to break the rules, but I'ma cheat since my shit was erased. I had 25 things but they are gone, and it's late. I was completely fine with not doing this at all after that, but I had a neurotic need to finish it, since I'd spent a long time on it. That's not intended to reflect on any pressure you have to enjoy it, I'm just letting you know.

(25) It's almost 5 and it's my bedtime, boys an girls. It's a sick reality, but it's true. I love you all.

one week down

2009-01-23T20:42:00.001-08:00

things have been slightly crazed as i'm getting used to being back, but for the most part all is well. i'm excited (and nervous) about my classes, but i feel like i'll be capable of doing well in all of them.

my internship is going well. everyone is really nice, even though it's an incredibly hectic time for them with so many events going on. i'm just hoping i will be a big help. i've even been early and staying after so i can get more done.

on a sad note, i have not yet been to the y to work out or started my diet. i keep rationalizing this by thinking that i should start things of this nature at the beginning of a week, but more and more it's looking like i should start this weekend when i don't have class or work to deal with. not that i won't have things to get done. they just won't be those things. so hopefully this weekend i can make some progress to that end. it needs to happen. i've been feeling very discouraged about my weight and how out of shape i am lately. and i think it will help pull me out of that if i know i'm making a concerted effort to change it.

i'm really excited that it's the weekend. i need to have some time to chill, and regroup after this week. that will also probably include going out and getting somewhat drunk to reacquaint myself with asheville. anyway that's about it. i'm going to go get ready so i can get out for a bit. have a nice weekend, everyone!

inauguration/snow day

2009-01-20T22:24:00.000-08:00

what a crazy/wonderful day! the day before it was MLK day and was snowing practically all afternoon here. it was so pretty. i got to meet eva and alison for lunch at mela before they headed back to d-town! and i spent the afternoon with marshal and jen. marshall and i watched trashy judge shows and the news for hours. so based on the weather coverage i just knew classes would be canceled today, but they were only delayed. this worked out ok too though. i got my books and the first part of my refund check, and went to my classes, except for art history which didn't meet today. and i got to see president obama's speech in between them. it's very inspiring to have a president in office that you helped elect, and that you believe in so much. i think things will definitely start changing. speaking of change, i joined the y monday and am going to start going tomorrow after my first day at my internship. i'm excited about both of these things. and i'm proud that i made them happen. i'm also going to try and start this diet thing that katy did awhile back that frankly i'm not going to be able to maintain wholeheartedly. but at this point i figure any changes i make as far as what i eat and working out will be helpful to what i had been doing. also i haven't really had enough time to go grocery shopping yet to get these things i'll be allowed to eat. oh well, wish me luck.

besides those things, i have a lot of work ahead of me this semester! i have gotten started already but will have to stay on top of it all or i'll be doomed. my classes are:
(1) mgmt 489 - internship
(2) mgmt 458 - marketing strategy
(3) mgmt 491 - capstone senior seminar
(4) arth 350 - 19th century european art

the internship class is going to be great, because i'm really excited about the place i'm working, but the first couple weeks are stressing me out because i have to come up with a timeline for my whole semester for my internship project, and my manager is out of town tomorrow, and it's due on fri, which will only be my 2nd day. but i talked to my teacher and said i would come up with something and then just make revisions according to my manager's inputs.

the marketing strategy class is going to be really interesting. we will be working with a local company (i'm not sure which one i'll be in yet), helping them with new marketing campaigns/directions, etc. it should be fun. and i really like my instructor, and she's also my adviser for my internship, so that's helpful.

the capstone class is going to be the craziest thing ever. we have this software thing we sign up for online called capsim where we simulate 8 years of an industry we have to control. i have a partner that i like, so that won't be a problem. but we have to make all the production, financing, marketing, and research and development decisions for an industry and make sure that all our products fall within the optimal constraints, and remain profitable. we will be graded based on the profit margins to a large extent, i think. it's all spreadsheets and graphs and flow charts and there are a lot of things where you have to change certainn figures and then see how everything is affected, and you may have to change it back. i'm just really nervous. and everything you do in the process has to be recorded because at the end of the course you have to do a write up of the whole process that's supposed to be 50-70 pages. and i'm really forgetful so that part is scaring me a lil bit. in addition to that we have a research project, of which the first draft is due in just over a month! also we have to do 10 papers relating to business cases in our textbook. so on top of being incredibly confusing and scary, it's just a lot of work. the good thing is i have a good partner, and my professor is really helpful and i think i'ma need it.

the art history class hasn't met yet, and despite being a lot of writing and reading and memorization (like all other art history classes), i think it will be a much needed break from business.

i double checked with the offices here and everything is set for me to graduate. i'm very excited about this semester and this year.

i'm also very sleepy, so i'm going to bed where it's warm. goodnight.

avoiding disaster

2009-01-15T05:11:00.000-08:00

classes start today, and guess what? i'm not at school. but it's not my fault, because there was snow and ice. i decided i just couldn't risk the possibility of having to drive in it. i just kept picturing my car flying off the side of a mountain or me broke down beside it crying into the snow, and the decision was made. ideally this gives me more time to leave in a less chaotic way, but it will probably just mean that i get nothing done for a few extra days. yea me! the sad thing is, i'd really love to see the snow, but if it means driving in it in any way then the deal is off. also why did i fall asleep at 10:45 last night and wake up at 6 this morning? what's happening to me?!

to glance back while looking forward

2009-01-12T23:35:00.000-08:00

true to form, i am late at looking back to the previous year. i feel compelled to recap in some way, though. i pretty much detest new years resolutions, so that ain't gonna happen, but i am looking forward. and i'm optimistic about 2009.

a whole lot went down in 2008. i was thinking back and all of it seems like years ago in some ways. i guess that's how we do, though, just driving through. i'm happy to say that i have come to the last semester of college. and i'm feeling better about my major now. with the economy the way it is, i'm not extremely optimistic about job opportunities, but i will try to stay optimistic through it all. many people i had gotten used to seeing and staying in touch with all the time, i have had a hard time keeping up with, which makes me sad. it's surreal to have people younger than you graduate first, but it's not a race and everyone has a different story.

and mine took some interesting twists and turns this year; most of which i feel pretty good about. the year started with me being fired behind my back and me being crazy pissed and resentful about the whole thing. and that led to a lot of insecurities about working for me and about finances. but also has given me the gift of perspective that i wouldn't have if things had played out differently. i feel like retail should be a thing of my past. i've paid my dues. i really enjoyed working with my brother over the summer, even though it was really completely new and very challenging for me. i felt proud that i made it through it. and also i got to know him better in the process, and it made me even prouder of him. i wish i were like him in more ways than i am. i'm not sure how receptive he would be if i tried to tell him these things, but it should be mentioned nonetheless. he is generous in an unwavering way and in my opinion a great leader. and i think these things are inherent in him, and i feel very proud and honored to be his brother. my parents are the same way, and that is very important to me. i know i always have their support and love.

i made the decision not to find a job and tried not to worry about it as much as possible over the fall semester, and it really paid off, as i did the best i have done my whole time in college (besides durham tech), and that i am really proud of. it made this winter break much more of a pleasant time than it has been in years. i can't remember the last christmas i wasn't distracted and feeling guilty and uncertain about my life before the new year. not that i have everything all figured out by any means, but i feel more okay about it, which is a great help.

i'm also - for the first time in a very long time - actually really excited about this semester in school. i have an internship i'm really looking forward to. the people seem incredibly nice and i'm going to get to do a lot of different things there, and get some experience in business, which i hope will be beneficial to getting a job after i graduate, and also give me more of an idea of things i'd like to do. i'm taking a strategic marketing class with an instructor i really enjoy also, and that should be fun. my senior seminar class will be a big challenge but i think i'll learn a lot. and i have an art history class i'm taking to break things up. then i'll be done! i simply can't imagine what that will feel like. it will probably take awhile to sink in.

this past semester i also found a way to step out of my comfort zone and really take chances and went on dates and met some great new friends. there were definitely setbacks and times when i had a really hard time with it, but i feel more confident than i did before.

i couldn't have done it without my friends, though. this year i was surrounded by people that mean so much to me, and who were always there when i needed support. you guys are like family to me.

2008 was also about inspiration for me, and i really still feel inspired that better things are coming in 2009. this is huge for me, because i tend to be so incredibly cynical. but it has felt so good to believe in something and feel like change and progress are truly possible. i have never felt so connected to a presidential candidate or politics, it's been really nice for me, because it has helped me break out of some uncertainty and fears that might have continued to cloud my judgments and decisions.

as for other things that inspired me, i feel like i have to mention music, because it is always important to me. and so the top albums/songs of 2008 for me were (in no particular order):

01) erykah badu - new amerykah
02) naked music - re-creation
03) janelle monae - metropolis
04) john legend - evolver
05) j-boogie's dubtronic science - soul vibrations
06) little jackie - the stoop
07) madonna - hard candy
08) gina rene - be the change
09) jennifer hudson - spotlight
10) kanye west - 808s and heartbreak

so that's a good place to stop. thanks to all of you that made 2008 a great year, and i hope you are looking forward to this year as much as i am.

goodnight.

a much-needed update

2008-06-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

so things are getting better. and this is a relief for sure. the crazy first construction project where we jacked the woman's house off its foundation is on pause while some other people put her hardwood flooring in, and this means we are working on a really nice house by duke that the couple hasn't moved into yet. tiling and cabinets and hardwood flooring and crown molding are the projects here, and they're much better. i'm still wo' out everyday, and i don't think that is going to get any better with more time, because i've just decided i am not supposed to be in the heat that much. i'm the sweatiest person alive quite possibly, and i just don't get down with being that nasty. the couple seems nice. she is a professor at duke (my brother is supposed to find out what she teaches for me, because i'm curious about these things), and he does something where he is traveling all the time. still not much free time ever, but i'm making it work the best i can.

i had sat off, which was really great, but i didn't get any of the things done i wanted. i did get to talk with jordanna for a while on the phone, though, which made me very happy. and i went out with brian and our friend susan and spent today with them, and seeing eva and alison who are going to be fully moved here in a couple weeks. i'm very excited about that.

my mom's not been feeling well, and she's leaving for montana tomorrow until the 13th. yes it's for that crazy church, and i'm not that thrilled about that, but i hope she has a great trip with my aunt and her cousin. she needs to get away from work at the very least. but i will miss her.

i'm excited to hear about jen's moving into a house in asheville! i miss all of you so much, and it will be so wonderful to see you first of all as my return to asheville! i talked to kenny the other week and we have tentative plans to go to the zoo with mark and jordanna some weekend. other than that i have been out of touch, and haven't seen or talked to anyone much with my new work schedule, but i intend to get much better at managing that.

i finished watching arrested development on alluc and it made me think of you guys and miss you all even more. brain and i got drunk on wine and books and watched the 3rd season in like 2 days pretty much. i can't even decide on my favorite parts. we may need to watch it again. i am also trying to get bam bam and celeste for him to see!

i guess that's all the update really, but i hope you all are well and happy! .:MUCHLOVE:.

also this is one of my favorite singers - gina rene, and this is her new song "be the change," which you can buy for $1 at cdbaby.com. it's really inspired much in the same way as the yes we can video. just thought i'd drop that on ya. enjoy :)

angst-y

2008-06-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

this summer has been a mess. trying to find a job turned me into a complete wreck emotionally. and has taken over my soul in many ways. so i started work with my brother doing remodeling and renovations and construction with his company. i am incredibly grateful for the opportunity and am trying to be the best completely inexperienced help ever. so far so good, except i am at work by 7 each morning and working 10-12 hour days and not having any time to myself. i'm having to go to bed early, like 11:30 and such to make it work, and it's hard for me to make myself do this when it is the only time i have.

but i'm getting ahead of myself. the job hunting depressed me to an extreme amount. even fucking super target didn't call me back or anything, and their fucking application took me 40 minutes at a little computer right in the store. fucking humiliating. then my grandpa found an ad in the paper for a sales job that paid $15/hr, and i filled out the application online and got an interview and went to that and it lasted 90 minutes, only for me to find out that it is that scam where you sell fucking knives by appointments, which you have to put a $155 security deposit on up front. so i was completely punk'd on that, and the interview was all the way in raleigh, and i spent nearly all the dollars i had left on gas to get there. then my check engine light comes on in my car on my way back. something else to fix on the car apparently, which i have no money for. and a bitch cannot get a break there, because after my wreck before school was out i realized that june is the month i have to get my car inspected! it will not pass right now, and i can't fix it yet. so i'm hoping to not get pulled or fined.

also, god how i hate summer! it is so fucking hot, and all i can think about is how out of shape i am. i have been getting a bit of exercise here and there and vigilantly watching what i was eating until this new job, because there is no way. and it is over a month into the summer and i haven't seen my friends hardly at all! because i have no money to do anything with them, or even to drive at all a lot of times.

and with the end of school in sight, i am really worried about finding a job, seeing as fucking target wouldn't even call me back! plus i have to get a job that has health insurance because i will be fucked over without it, because of diabetes. i just feel like all things are working against me, and it has nothing to do with the people in my life, because they are the greatest, but otherwise i just can't catch a break.

why can't i just have a nice summer break? it's my last one EVER! i just want to have some fun before i'm back to school for more of the major i hate and the ridiculous disappointments.

i know this is incredibly angsty and over the top, but i am sore all over from being under a house breathing through a mask, and getting the dirtiest ever in my life. and i have to go to bed in a matter of moments, because i have to be up at 6 to get ready to go jack a house off its foundation tomorrow. literally that's what we are doing. this house needs so much work. i would leave and change my name if it were me. damn. but i love my brother so much for the work, and i really am trying to be the best at it that i can, but it's hard for me to be manly. it's just not me, no matter how hard i try, and it is a constant effort. i feel like i have been acting all day; trying to pass, and then i get home and have no recuperation time before i am back to do it all again the next day.

sunday is the only day we have off this week, and i am just dreading telling my parents i am not going to church because if they have the nerve to be surprised or hurt that i won't, i may snap. i simply cannot spend my only day off listening to all of that. more acting. i will do my best to pass as a manly guy that can handle construction, but i will not go to role # 2 and try to pass as a christian. fire me now. and my running policy is that i will go on special occasions, because i know how much it means to my family, but last week was fathers' day and i went. this sunday we're early celebrating my dad's birthday... so you have to draw a line somewhere or the occasions could just continue to sneak up.

there's just got to be some rich man that would want a neurotic hopelessly dramatic mess like me to take care of. he could think of it as a challenge if that would motivate him. or as charity. doesn't matter to me in the slightest, but a bitch needs a break.

get it

2008-05-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

o this summer is going reasonably well so far. i am still looking for a job, because a bitch has virtually no dollars in her life! it's a sad look for sure. and it never fails to surprise me just how difficult is is to get a job, even at some lame ass stores! also to complicate that factor in a ridiculous way is the fact that i was fired from banana, and probably would have bad references from them and barnes & noble at the very least. ew. but the places i've applied so far have seemed hopeful for me, and told me they'd let me know something this week. here's hoping. otherwise i will just have to stop being so picky and may end up working somewhere completely uncool/hatable. fingers, toes, eyes, and legs crossed fa rull!

in other (more exciting news), i had a fucking amazing time at the erykah badu/roots show with brian! omg. here's a video of some of the highlights that someone posted on youtube if you wanna see :) we definitely snuck in little bottles of vanilla stoli to mix with soda for the show - like 12 of them! if that isn't ghetto enough for you, please understand that we had no idea where the coliseum was (even though i'd been before), and once we got there we could not find the will call place (despite asking for directions from 2 workers who sent our ass in every wrong direction!). we met another lost lady named amber and we bonded, but that bitch had 7th row seats so she promptly left our ass once she got in (but we saw her after the show :). so i was feeling nervous about sneaking the vodka in, but thank god brian is way better at playing shit off than me (and he had more pockets), because i definitely dropped on right out in the middle of everything! yeah, i'm clumsy and lost at all times.

the roots went first, and they were crazy hot. i wish i had that much energy. they were all over the place. even the guy with the huge ass horn thing was dancing around and being crazy. they did some old school stuff and some of the newest songs from their most recent album, rising down. they even did biz markie's "just a friend!" they got everyone hyped up, though, which made for some really good energy and a lot of fun. which meant brain and i had to go mix our drinks in the bathroom afterwards and get our esspurience on.

ms. badu was late as hell to come on, but it was worth the wait! from the second she was on, she had us hooked. she was giving it up and telling the truth on things. she did a lot from new amerykah, and then brought in old school badu a little after she'd gotten started. she was banging some crazy ass drum like it had done her wrong, and she had the hottest shoes, and the whole thing was fierce and famous. she played this song called "annie (ain't don't wear no panties)," which cracked me up.

when she did "green eyes" she had two red yoga balls and she was dancing with them and throwing them around to people on stage before kicking them out into the audience. badu is crazy. then she finished off with "bag lady" and "honey." she was getting people in the audience to take the mic on some parts, and not a damn one could sing, which was wildly entertaining, and she'd be like, "go 'head queen, go 'head brotha" no matter how bad they sounded. she didn't have the big fro, but she was rocking those shoes and a purple hoodie at one point. brian kept yelling for her to "sing tyrone!" and many others were wanting the same thing. i was too busy dancing to care. amazing show.

then we went and got some wine, and some cosmic cantina, and had a madonna sing-a-long in the car on the way to my house, where we watched strangers with candy and the simple life drunk out of our minds until morning. i spent the next day in bed with brian, avoiding cutting the grass until 30 mins before a storm when i started and had to come in. we watched the opposite of sex and american beauty, and then my parents came home from their 29th anniversary weekend.

instead of job hunting today, i watched the entire angels in america in the morning, and then slept the rest of the afternoon. i cleaned up the house some after that, and then my family came home and we all watched enchanted.

yeah, life is good.

and why am i up at almost 5am? that's a good one.

it's a wrap

2008-05-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

the semester ended well, despite all my worries and stress. i did better than i expected in my classes, not that i was terribly worried about any of the classes, except for management science. i was terrified i was going to fail it and was striving for a d, but i ended up getting a c in it. the final from hell for that class definitely took me 8 hours to finish, making me feel rull stupid, though. i ended up with 2 b's, a b+, and 2 c's. not the best, but considering some bullshit, i feel pretty good about it. my research paper i was worried i would not do well on i ended up with a 97. and my take home final for international magmt that took hours and hours to finish i ended up making an 84 on. otherwise i don't know my final grades, which maybe i'm ok with. a person only needs so much information to stress over, ya know?

graduation was particularly emotional, though, as many of my closest friends graduated this semester. but for the most part it will be easy to stay in touch, i think. i stayed with chad and robert and then came down that afternoon, so i would be here for mothers' day. it's really nice to be home. my room is a mess! but it's getting to a livable situation.

i've been trying to find a job. for some reason i keep thinking of snoop dogg "gin and juice" where his dad comes in and tells him he needs to get a "jobby job." yeah that's me. so i'm trying. i should hear back next week from a few places. hopefully it will be good news. cause a bitch needs some money in a serious way.

all that seriousness aside, i am so excited about the erykah badu/roots show tomorrow! i can't wait. brian is going with me, and it's gonna be so much fun. i wish i had more dollars so i could buy something, but i definitely don't. it's ok, though.

i think that's all i'm up for right now. just needed a new post since my last one was forever ago.

.:listening to: erykah badu - ...& on:.

confidence

2008-04-17T03:58:00.000-07:00

the past few weeks in school have done a lot to make me doubt myself, and this week is no exception. right now i'm in the middle of a very long take home final exam for my international marketing class, and it's taking forever but i'm feeling pretty good about it. and it made me think of this song from the sound of music, which - although admittedly cheesy - is one of my favorite songs from the movie and i feel is very endearing. so i thought i'd share:
*there is an initial weirdness done by whoever posted it to youtube, but after that it's normal*

now i'm going to get back to work. hopefully i can keep this optimism going.

wanderlust

2008-04-16T02:01:00.000-07:00

(c) 2008 bjork.com/unity
i just saw bjork's newest video for her song "wanderlust" off the volta album, and i love it. so i thought i'd share.

while i love the album, i have to admit my hopes for it may have been a bit too high. it is wonderful but not my favorite of hers. that being said, nothing is better than watching or hearing her talk about the direction for it, and that would surely sell anyone. i love how she's looking for this primal connection with the world and with the people in it; through music and rhythms and art.

i wish more artists were taking lessons from her.

"I am leaving this harbour
Giving urban a farewell
Its habitants seem too keen on God
I cannot stomach their rights and wrong

I have lost my origin
And I don't want to find it again
Rather sailing into nature's laws
And be held by ocean's paws

Wanderlust
Relentlessly craving wanderlust
Peel off the layers
Until you get to the core

Did I imagine it would be like this
Was it something like this I wished for
Or will i want more

Lust for comfort
Suffocates the soul
This relentless
Restlessness
Liberates me
Sets me free"
(c)2007 volta

the next craziest week ever

2008-04-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

the management dept has clearly gotten together and for some sick reason has decided to make all of our biggest assignments and projects come up at the same time. nice.

all i'm saying is a little communication between instructors would be really helpful.

this week i have an exam on fri in my least favorite class ever, management science, as well as a homework problem due wed, and research presentation for a paper to attend tomorrow, and a group project to finish for monday.

that's one class. i have a semester-long project due in my promotion class, which - as luck would have it - is on the same day as the group project mentioned above. i have to finish editing the footage for our commercial with my group and practice our presentation for the competition (which is going to be videotaped - ew) on mon.

i have to design and complete my product surveys for my research class project and collect and compile all my data this week.

i also have a take home final and a paper for my international marketing class that's due this thurs. that is everything that's left for that class. all in one week. ...yeah.

so i'm pretty much delirious at this point. i really just want to get in bed with my head sandwiched in between my pillows and the blankets wrapped all around me and hide. and sleep. and hide. and sleep.

.:listening to: blue six - beautiful tomorrow:.
"tell me when you think you've had enough. tell me and we'll all just swear right now to make it stop"

are you awake?

2008-04-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

(c)2008 mydeadpony
so i definitely slept all day today. i've been so tired lately, and i'm not sure why. i have a ton of shit to do for school this week, so maybe it's stress. i can't say i feel better from having slept though. had some crazy dreams.

i'm going to try to get somewhere with some of my work today. exciting for saturday, i know. i just want to have it all done with, because it's all killing my soul. i'm sick of all my classes, and just feel like fleeing the scene everyday, so having some of this work out of the way will help.

i would write more, because i could go on and on, but i think that is probably enough.

.:listening to: bjork - alarm call (matmos' rhythmic phonetics mix):.
"today has never happened, but it doesn't frighten me... doesn't scare me at all"

lost

2008-04-07T00:53:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to say about this past week. it just seems like it's been an extension of this feeling of being completely lost in my life. things are constantly not going going as planned for me, and leaving me wondering what i'm working towards. in many ways i'm just going through the motions. i don't know what i'm working towards. school is always coming in a very distant second to everything else, and i think it's just a subconscious defense because i have no idea what i'm doing, or what i truly want.

i feel so disconnected from my life, and so lost. there are all these obligations ai am consistently failing to meet. it's like i'm just waiting for someone to be like, "that's all the chances you get, sir" and to tell me game over. but that never happens and i just keep getting deeper and deeper into feeling completely lost and confused over what i want.

and i just feel so pathetic still being lost in this sad game. school and boys and all kinds of drama. there just never is a light at the end of the tunnel that i feel like i can really beleive in. i hate to keep letting people down, but then i just feel like, "why would they have the audacity to be surprised that i've failed?"

i just wish i could surpise myself and really come through on something. i have a paper to finish tonight and it's part of a research project that is a semester project, and i just feel like it's shit and it's too late to fix anything. the past week really destroyed any amount of delusional hope that things were going well this semester. is there just something i'm missing? a larger meaning or lesson i'm supposed to be learning here.. because all it does is discourage me more.

i feel like i should just give it all up and live a mediocre life and pay my debts back for years and years to come, and hopefully soul serach somewhere along the way and find out what it's all for.

.:listening to: tracey thorn - falling off a log:.

oh shit

2008-04-01T11:05:00.001-07:00

so i got my accounting grade back and even though i did amazingly well on the final, it wasn't enough for my grade to be a c in the class.

sad day.

also it appears the class i needed to take in the summer in order to graduate in december is not being offered. not that i could graduate then anyway now, but still.

and the walls tumble down...

here's the thing, though. i'm so primed to fuck up that i'm not even upset about it right now. it's like, "oh of course it happened that way" rather than "oh helllll no!" at this point.

that's maybe saddest of all. but also if that other class isn't being offered anyway then i couldn't graduate in december either way.

if i can take acct 216 somewhere else i might can still be in good shape. it's not offered here. no surprise. but a lot is riding on that.

fuck.

.:listeing to: zion i - sorry:.

fight or flight

2008-03-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

panic!

not to be dramatic, but i am definitely feeling a fight or flight response for my accounting final that i have to take today. i'm scared like it was a killer after me or something. not gonna lie. i'm definitely sick to my stomach. it's not a good look at all.

plus i just have to get past accounting! reading it makes me want to jump out my (albeit 1st floor) window. i'm irrationally afraid of this test. every time i've mentioned to people that were in my class last semester that i have to take it i get these horrified expressions like they're experiencing a terrible memory from their pasts that they'd tried to forget.

and yes, i've taken it as well. the whole course and the final and then the course again. but i really don't feel this is putting me at any kind of advantage, sadly. it's like i'm allergic to accounting, or insusceptible to it at least. my body is rejecting it even on a biological level. that can't be right.

i just want to make myself real small and hide until it's safe to come out again.

.:listening to: tori amos - bouncing off clouds:.

c to the r to the a to the z to the izz o

2008-03-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

to quote ali, this week is "crazo." in every possible way, actually. so much so that i am delirious at this point.

this week i have 5 exams and 3 papers, and if that weren't enough, i am supposed to be registering for classes and meeting with my adviser about my internship.

i'm really worried about my accounting final tomorrow, because if i don't make a c in the class, i can't take any of the rest of the classes i need to graduate in the summer or the fall. so basically i'd have a whole semester of wasted time and wouldn't graduate until spring at the earliest. i'm really hoping that does not turn out to be the case, but it's a lot of pressure to be under. especially with so many other things going on.

i wish i weren't such a worrier though. it's just that not graduating in december is such a horrible consequence to possibly face. yes ultimately life would still go on, but it would not be nice.

money is slowly escaping me as well, and i will really need a job soon. there are some very cool internships available, and most of them are paid, but in the next few weeks i will have to put my resume and cover letters together and go on at least a few interviews to be in the running for the jobs. once again, just a lot of pressure. i'm excited about the opportunities, but just worried i do not have the qualifications or appealing gpa's to make it. i did meet with a nice lady in the career center and she gave me some great pointers on putting my resume together and some information that i think i can use.

i need to figure out how this summer is going to work out as well. i will have to get more financial aid if that's possible to cover it. and make sure i can stay on campus. i'd love to do my internship over the summer in addition to mgmt 480, but we'll have to see how these interviews go. i'd love to do a good job at whichever one i get, because it might be really helpful in terms of job contacts after school. and that'd be really nice, because all my recent jobs are going to be more detriments than help, which is a sad day.

i guess just please wish me luck or anything you can do. i need as much help as i can get. thanks.

.:listening to: handsome boy modeling school f/ jack johnson - breakdown:.

confessions

2008-03-22T04:35:00.001-07:00

these aren't always easy. and i'm not meaning these in some cheesy catholic or religious dogma rooted guilt type of way. i'm not looking for forgiveness from anyone; just keeping it real for my damn self.

but the fact is that in the past few weeks i've digressed and sorta lost my flow in a lot of ways. i've decided that this is largely due to the many fears and uncertainties i have in my life and about myself. and while writing about them doesn't change them in the larger sense, it does help in the long run, i think.

this particular entry might be a bit much for those who tune in for the lighthearted stuff, and i completely understand. i'm not trying to be dramatic, but i need to speak about these things in some way just to move on.

over spring break i became more and more aware that i really don't know myself very well. most of the more important aspects of my life are not things i feel strong connections to. these things happen, but i am having trouble with this. i feel like many of my decisions which have lead me here were made out of fears and uncertainty. and the thing is, making decisions like that has only made me feel more and more lost as a result.

it was comforting to be home, though, but i realized it was comforting because it was retreating in some way to the comforts of my family and friends, and knowing their love if nothing else. when it came time to leave to come back to school i started crying, which in itself is no big deal, but brought something to light for me, because i have felt so disjointed and broken off in various aspects of my life that i really didn't feel certain i could go back and continue to face these things. it made me feel like a child that just wanted to avoid all these inevitable challenges, and for that i felt pathetic really.

and so, since i've been back i've been avoiding all my work and my deadlines, as if out of some subconscious-level refusal to face anything important. i've been quite depressed and sleeping a lot and missing assignments and important deadlines. these types of things are not unusual for me. i kind've just do whatever the hell i feel like in most cases. i don't have much discipline or drive to get things done that i feel are unpleasant or undesirable. but recently this has become more large scale thinking. and i feel like i need to own up to it.

idealistically i am struggling with school, because i really don't feel like i'm heading in the right direction for me. and it's a constant struggle of ideals and pragmatism. i'm so close to finishing, and getting past this stage in life is long overdue. but getting past it would be exhilerating and terrifying at the same time. i really don't know what i want out of life in any larger sense. and i don't feel able to search those things out at the moment. everyday feels like i'm dodging bullets and sliding by, and i really fear i won't make it in the real world. i'm 26 and i'm struggling to make college work!

but the question that haunts me is what am i so afraid of. and i really don't know. i am delaying the inevitable as much as possible and it's catching up with me. am i so afraid of failure? sadly i think i am. and that's not to say that i haven't failed at many many things before, but i'm never answering to myself. when i've failed the guilt has been that others would know - my parents, my friends, etc. and i think that's because i've gotten used to disappointing myself. it's second nature to the point that i'm 100% sure i can rationalize all my failures in my life up to this point fairly effortlessly. balancing that and how critical i am of myself, is pretty much how i've made my way through life to this point.

but surprisingly enough, out of this period of so much worry and fear, i have been restless. and that energy makes me want to change my life to more genuinely reflect me. and i'm not sure how, but i've never felt so defeated and so optimistic at the same time ever. it's fucking nuts but it's great too. it's such a cliche but it really does feel like a new chapter, or more likely a relatively interesting prologue. i wish that meant that i had some sense of direction from here, but it definitely doesn't.

but i've got to be braver. i just have to. because in not being brave and focusing on all the things i never accomplish or just can't manage, i'm constantly missing what i have. and i hate that. i really want to change this time. for once it feels like now or never, and as fatalistic as that is, maybe that pressure will get me off my ass.

if you have managed to get through this mess of thoughts, i thank you. but i'll thank you either way, so don't feel pressured. one thing i know for certain is that the people i care most about care about me as well, and that means so much, so often. and it definitely doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

this is so clearly the song of the moment:
.:erykah badu - didn't cha know:.

(c)2008 erykah-badu.com

erykah badu

2008-03-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

erykah badu's one of my favorite artists, and she takes it to the next level on her latest cd. this song "soldier" is my favorite from the cd and it is maybe the next single.

(c)2008 erykah-badu.com

"don't stop til you change they minds"

hypnotism

2008-03-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

after much thought, i've decided that the best way for me to change behaviors that are not benefiting me at the moment is to be hypnotized out of it.

i realize this is the most passive-cop-out fix for the problem, but bear with me. i just cannot be trusted to change for any length of time, so i think if someone could manipulate these behaviors out of me, i'd be in great shape.

the possibilities are endless! "jeff, you are getting very sleepy... you will no longer procrastinate by blogging or other random activities, and will in turn get your assignments in on time. furthermore, you will work out in the gym that is RIGHT BESIDE YOUR DORM instead of always simply saying you should." etc. etc. "these changes will remain in effect until i tell you otherwise.." and i never see the hypnotist again, and keep these better behaviors forever!

i think i definitely should look into this, because i have been so offpoint this week. now i have so much stuff to do, and all i want to do is sleep. haha. i mean, i know i can get it done, but it feels incredibly tedious to write a paper or read some boring shit or study for exams.

after this much procrastinating i have a lot to get done within a week. after that i can rest a bit easier. and that's not to say i haven't been doing well with some aspects, but the overall consensus is that i really need to step my game up.

so i'ma try. i'll break it into manageable sections. and we'll just see.

.:listening to: truby trio - a go go (boozoo bajou version):.

not again

2008-03-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

i have missed my management science and promotion classes again today! not a good look. i really didn't mean to. i was trying to start strong coming back from break, but, well... not so much.

i am going to go to the career center and see if they can help me with finding out some information about my internship. i thought it was going to be much easier and when i got online to do it, it definitely was not. so i'm late in having my initial meeting with my advisor, but i'm rationalizing it that it's ok because i won't have rushed into an internship i hate.

theoretically.

it just helps in making me not feel so much like a fuckup. something will work out, i'm sure. but other than that, i will have been completely offpoint for school today. sad.

i have a lot to do over the weekend. but i insist on spending time with my friends, since it was my birthday, so some of it will have to continue to wait.

.:listening to: moloko - sing it back (boris' musical mix):.

very lucky

2008-03-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

i'm so very lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. my birthday was so nice thanks to all these people who called or sent messages or gave cards or spent time with me. i'm very thankful for all of you.

.:listening to: milosh - you make me feel:.

26

2008-03-12T00:18:00.000-07:00

so it's my birthday, and lame or not, i thought it'd be fun to pretend:

and yeah, i'm up and still not doing work. i'm just wildly unmotivated right now. but i'm having fun not doing work at least. that's what counts. i'm older and wiser, bitches. riight?

right.

chapter next

2008-03-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

yes i realize i have like 5 blogs at this point. ok, 4 including this one. but i really felt like i wanted a new one, so here it is. i love my wordpress blog, but there are a lot of things you can't put on those, and even though it's pretty, that doesn't make up for everything, now does it?

this is the first day back from spring break, which was hella early this year. i'm trying to keep the momentum strong for school this semester, and so far it's going fairly well and that's a reason to be optimistic. today, however i was completely broke down tired for some reason, and did not get the jump off i wanted for the second half of the semester. oops.

i had such a great time over break, though. i didn't want to come back. but it's all good now. my birthday celebration was so nice, even though my birthday is not until wed. i think i'm feeling ok about 26. 25 was a big adjustment, but i think that shock is over and done with.

more exciting posts will come soon. i will try to be really good about keeping up with it, and throwing all kinds of shit in the mix, and not just my usual rants.

.:listening to: jazzanova - soon (smoovah mix):.