lost

i don't know what to say about this past week. it just seems like it's been an extension of this feeling of being completely lost in my life. things are constantly not going going as planned for me, and leaving me wondering what i'm working towards. in many ways i'm just going through the motions. i don't know what i'm working towards. school is always coming in a very distant second to everything else, and i think it's just a subconscious defense because i have no idea what i'm doing, or what i truly want.

i feel so disconnected from my life, and so lost. there are all these obligations ai am consistently failing to meet. it's like i'm just waiting for someone to be like, "that's all the chances you get, sir" and to tell me game over. but that never happens and i just keep getting deeper and deeper into feeling completely lost and confused over what i want.

and i just feel so pathetic still being lost in this sad game. school and boys and all kinds of drama. there just never is a light at the end of the tunnel that i feel like i can really beleive in. i hate to keep letting people down, but then i just feel like, "why would they have the audacity to be surprised that i've failed?"

i just wish i could surpise myself and really come through on something. i have a paper to finish tonight and it's part of a research project that is a semester project, and i just feel like it's shit and it's too late to fix anything. the past week really destroyed any amount of delusional hope that things were going well this semester. is there just something i'm missing? a larger meaning or lesson i'm supposed to be learning here.. because all it does is discourage me more.

i feel like i should just give it all up and live a mediocre life and pay my debts back for years and years to come, and hopefully soul serach somewhere along the way and find out what it's all for.

.:listening to: tracey thorn - falling off a log:.