angst-y

this summer has been a mess. trying to find a job turned me into a complete wreck emotionally. and has taken over my soul in many ways. so i started work with my brother doing remodeling and renovations and construction with his company. i am incredibly grateful for the opportunity and am trying to be the best completely inexperienced help ever. so far so good, except i am at work by 7 each morning and working 10-12 hour days and not having any time to myself. i'm having to go to bed early, like 11:30 and such to make it work, and it's hard for me to make myself do this when it is the only time i have.

but i'm getting ahead of myself. the job hunting depressed me to an extreme amount. even fucking super target didn't call me back or anything, and their fucking application took me 40 minutes at a little computer right in the store. fucking humiliating. then my grandpa found an ad in the paper for a sales job that paid $15/hr, and i filled out the application online and got an interview and went to that and it lasted 90 minutes, only for me to find out that it is that scam where you sell fucking knives by appointments, which you have to put a $155 security deposit on up front. so i was completely punk'd on that, and the interview was all the way in raleigh, and i spent nearly all the dollars i had left on gas to get there. then my check engine light comes on in my car on my way back. something else to fix on the car apparently, which i have no money for. and a bitch cannot get a break there, because after my wreck before school was out i realized that june is the month i have to get my car inspected! it will not pass right now, and i can't fix it yet. so i'm hoping to not get pulled or fined.

also, god how i hate summer! it is so fucking hot, and all i can think about is how out of shape i am. i have been getting a bit of exercise here and there and vigilantly watching what i was eating until this new job, because there is no way. and it is over a month into the summer and i haven't seen my friends hardly at all! because i have no money to do anything with them, or even to drive at all a lot of times.

and with the end of school in sight, i am really worried about finding a job, seeing as fucking target wouldn't even call me back! plus i have to get a job that has health insurance because i will be fucked over without it, because of diabetes. i just feel like all things are working against me, and it has nothing to do with the people in my life, because they are the greatest, but otherwise i just can't catch a break.

why can't i just have a nice summer break? it's my last one EVER! i just want to have some fun before i'm back to school for more of the major i hate and the ridiculous disappointments.

i know this is incredibly angsty and over the top, but i am sore all over from being under a house breathing through a mask, and getting the dirtiest ever in my life. and i have to go to bed in a matter of moments, because i have to be up at 6 to get ready to go jack a house off its foundation tomorrow. literally that's what we are doing. this house needs so much work. i would leave and change my name if it were me. damn. but i love my brother so much for the work, and i really am trying to be the best at it that i can, but it's hard for me to be manly. it's just not me, no matter how hard i try, and it is a constant effort. i feel like i have been acting all day; trying to pass, and then i get home and have no recuperation time before i am back to do it all again the next day.

sunday is the only day we have off this week, and i am just dreading telling my parents i am not going to church because if they have the nerve to be surprised or hurt that i won't, i may snap. i simply cannot spend my only day off listening to all of that. more acting. i will do my best to pass as a manly guy that can handle construction, but i will not go to role # 2 and try to pass as a christian. fire me now. and my running policy is that i will go on special occasions, because i know how much it means to my family, but last week was fathers' day and i went. this sunday we're early celebrating my dad's birthday... so you have to draw a line somewhere or the occasions could just continue to sneak up.

there's just got to be some rich man that would want a neurotic hopelessly dramatic mess like me to take care of. he could think of it as a challenge if that would motivate him. or as charity. doesn't matter to me in the slightest, but a bitch needs a break.