confessions

these aren't always easy. and i'm not meaning these in some cheesy catholic or religious dogma rooted guilt type of way. i'm not looking for forgiveness from anyone; just keeping it real for my damn self.

but the fact is that in the past few weeks i've digressed and sorta lost my flow in a lot of ways. i've decided that this is largely due to the many fears and uncertainties i have in my life and about myself. and while writing about them doesn't change them in the larger sense, it does help in the long run, i think.

this particular entry might be a bit much for those who tune in for the lighthearted stuff, and i completely understand. i'm not trying to be dramatic, but i need to speak about these things in some way just to move on.

over spring break i became more and more aware that i really don't know myself very well. most of the more important aspects of my life are not things i feel strong connections to. these things happen, but i am having trouble with this. i feel like many of my decisions which have lead me here were made out of fears and uncertainty. and the thing is, making decisions like that has only made me feel more and more lost as a result.

it was comforting to be home, though, but i realized it was comforting because it was retreating in some way to the comforts of my family and friends, and knowing their love if nothing else. when it came time to leave to come back to school i started crying, which in itself is no big deal, but brought something to light for me, because i have felt so disjointed and broken off in various aspects of my life that i really didn't feel certain i could go back and continue to face these things. it made me feel like a child that just wanted to avoid all these inevitable challenges, and for that i felt pathetic really.

and so, since i've been back i've been avoiding all my work and my deadlines, as if out of some subconscious-level refusal to face anything important. i've been quite depressed and sleeping a lot and missing assignments and important deadlines. these types of things are not unusual for me. i kind've just do whatever the hell i feel like in most cases. i don't have much discipline or drive to get things done that i feel are unpleasant or undesirable. but recently this has become more large scale thinking. and i feel like i need to own up to it.

idealistically i am struggling with school, because i really don't feel like i'm heading in the right direction for me. and it's a constant struggle of ideals and pragmatism. i'm so close to finishing, and getting past this stage in life is long overdue. but getting past it would be exhilerating and terrifying at the same time. i really don't know what i want out of life in any larger sense. and i don't feel able to search those things out at the moment. everyday feels like i'm dodging bullets and sliding by, and i really fear i won't make it in the real world. i'm 26 and i'm struggling to make college work!

but the question that haunts me is what am i so afraid of. and i really don't know. i am delaying the inevitable as much as possible and it's catching up with me. am i so afraid of failure? sadly i think i am. and that's not to say that i haven't failed at many many things before, but i'm never answering to myself. when i've failed the guilt has been that others would know - my parents, my friends, etc. and i think that's because i've gotten used to disappointing myself. it's second nature to the point that i'm 100% sure i can rationalize all my failures in my life up to this point fairly effortlessly. balancing that and how critical i am of myself, is pretty much how i've made my way through life to this point.

but surprisingly enough, out of this period of so much worry and fear, i have been restless. and that energy makes me want to change my life to more genuinely reflect me. and i'm not sure how, but i've never felt so defeated and so optimistic at the same time ever. it's fucking nuts but it's great too. it's such a cliche but it really does feel like a new chapter, or more likely a relatively interesting prologue. i wish that meant that i had some sense of direction from here, but it definitely doesn't.

but i've got to be braver. i just have to. because in not being brave and focusing on all the things i never accomplish or just can't manage, i'm constantly missing what i have. and i hate that. i really want to change this time. for once it feels like now or never, and as fatalistic as that is, maybe that pressure will get me off my ass.

if you have managed to get through this mess of thoughts, i thank you. but i'll thank you either way, so don't feel pressured. one thing i know for certain is that the people i care most about care about me as well, and that means so much, so often. and it definitely doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

this is so clearly the song of the moment:
.:erykah badu - didn't cha know:.

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